Dear Neighbor Lady

Dear Neighbor Lady in Apartment A,

My dog is not going to attack you, eat you, urinate on you, lick you, hump you, bite you, or otherwise serve as a detriment to your well-being. These things have never happened, so please stop screaming every time I go out my door (especially when the dog is not even with me).

Before I met you, some friends of mine told me they screamed at you and told them to get my dog off of you. They thought this was particularly interesting since they were at the bottom of the stairs and you were at the top. I thought this was odd, but then I witnessed it myself when I was walking down the stairs and I saw you open your door, notice the dog, shriek, and slam the door.

It's okay to be afraid of dogs. However, it is not okay to scream when the dog is 40 feet away and doesn't even know you're there. In fact, all you're doing is making him aware of your presence. Not that that really matters since he'd never go near you anyway, but nonetheless it's still annoying.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

With Regards,
Sean

P.S. I always know if you've been in or out within the 30 or so minutes prior to my arrival home because your perfume lingers. Less is more, ma'am.